It’s been awhile.

I’ve been backing up with words and hearts and stresses. It’s hard when the lows start, and you can’t remember right from wrong or where you should be in life. I’ve been there, I’ve witnessed the worst and experienced the highs. The highs are like flying, or shooting, or drowning. The lows are trapped in the darkest of spots of the brain. I miss this. I miss knowing the emotions that should be shooting out of my soul and the undying resolution of my heart leaking from my eyes. I’ll be there again, soon. Whenever my heart decides to take over for my mind and my body starts to float away again.

I rarely ever eat foods that distinctively remind me of anything in my last. Whether it be sonic for slushes, or pizza with chips on top. It all just makes me sick to my stomach to think about even trying to eat now.

(Thoughts while I stare at this pizza and the good n hots sitting next to it)

Briley likes to put flowers in my ear.

Briley likes to put flowers in my ear.

You are the sunshine of my life. #love

You are the sunshine of my life. #love

Reminding myself that I’m a strong individual and my anxiety doesn’t define who I am. (With a little help of atmosphere)

Reminding myself that I’m a strong individual and my anxiety doesn’t define who I am. (With a little help of atmosphere)

I’m having a really hard time lately with myself. I’m getting sad more often and I’m feeling like a worthless mother. It is hard to keep telling myself everything is okay when I work too many hours and spend so much time buying my son things he will never need. Wants are overcoming needs but my father is raising my child while I’m working to provide. My grandmother raised me. My sons grandfather is raising him.

I’m so sorry.

I seem to overcompensate for things that I can’t do correctly like be a mother for more than an hour or two. Working constantly because my son has a part time father and I am just a full time lover. I never witnessed a broken family until this one but I always remind myself it was never really broken. We’ve always had a family, we’ll always have my family. I’ll continue to provide in posessions and in love and remember I will not fail. I am strong.

Thinking of @carolmayuree while I eat these yummy things :)

Thinking of @carolmayuree while I eat these yummy things :)

I realized I’m becoming that mother that over compensates in material possessions for having to be at work 40-60 hours every week. It makes my heart hurt but then I remember my parents doing a very similar thing once I got older. We grew up with little money and I was never once put in day care because of my grandmother raising me speaking little to no English. I always loved my childhood but I’ll never forget the time I missed with my parents. I’ll always remember kissing them before bed to be my favorite time of the day. Or my father picking me up from kindergarten and taking me home to make a grilled turkey and cheese sandwich. I’ll never forget those days. But I’ll never forgive myself for missing out on my sons life. I work so much and miss him each day. I work to provide him with the best I can but fuck I hope he never resents me for it.

Its just the little things.

Bath time is fun time.

Bath time is fun time.